


Sehnsucht

by Jfms



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Attempt at Humor, Canonical Minor Character Death, Don't read for romance, F/M, Gen, Nothing is going on in this fic, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:34:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24495796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jfms/pseuds/Jfms
Summary: The Queen of Camelot cries, gets drunk and visits her criminal father's grave with her husband's close confidant (who is also a lowly servant).Scandalous.
Relationships: Gwen & Merlin (Merlin), Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: some people say stuff with misogynistic undertones, nothing explicit though. May not be your cup of tea.
> 
> Set in some fusion of seasons 4 and 5, where Uther died almost instantly, then Arthur married Gwen and Agravaine just there as an advisor.

\- So, counsel, tell me about your new Queen?

\- Oh, that serving girl? I don't accept her as _the Queen_. We all hope Arthur will get bored with her soon.

\- A serving girl, you say? Sounds like the Uther's kid. He sure was a romantic in his youth. But is she that bad? After all, if one marries for love he rarely thinks about much else, if you know what I mean?

\- Or loses the ability to think altogether. I respect Arthur as a commander, but he lets his sudden fancy hold the court meetings! 

\- Oh, don't rub it in. That little scoundrel thinks she is the next Agricola! 

\- I see. The troubles in our province were of hers making then. 

\- That's right, your lordship. 

\- Is something being done about this? After Joseph's appointment, I had to run to rearrange my plans so much, I fell ill with nerves sickness. This all causes unrest among my serfs. It's horrible!

\- You are right as always, my lord. But fear not, it is my certain belief she'll be her own downfall.

***

  
Gwen opened the door to her work chambers, something she got right after becoming the Queen. It was a nice circular open room in one of the tallest towers. It had three big windows, a big oak desk right beside a wall, a locked chest for keeping important scrolls in it, a small bed, two chairs and Gwen’s favourite - a barrel-shaped thing with a hole in the middle, where one could put logs to keep the place warm instead of a fireplace. Arthur bought it along with several other things like bowls and cauldrons from a trader, that claimed he got it from a faraway country behind the sea. All things were made from metal unlike any Gwen saw before - black and dull and surprisingly malleable. Gwen asked all her acquaintances, working at ore mines, but it seemed the metal was made _magically_! 

It couldn’t be, Arthur would have noticed, right? Once again she found herself curious about this wonderful material. If not by magic, maybe it was made like the “fake gold”, less wealthy nobles used for their jewellery. That “gold” also was strange. Gwen could bet she saw it being bent and stretched similarly to a hair...

Oh, her father would have loved to work with it!

Would have. Right. Gwen felt a familiar pain scraping inside her ribcage. It always made itself known the nearest it got to the date of his murder. Five years passed. Would have her father believed how many things changed? 

Morgana was a sorceress and attacked Camelot, there was peace with Odin, Arthur was the King, peasants were being knighted, Elyan was back, she, a little servant to a King’s ward, was the Queen. 

Oh, Gods, she was the Queen. And her father was a convicted criminal. Technically, of course, since they didn’t have trials for magical crimes. Or magic-related crimes. Or whatever it called when a person accidentally sold a sword to a disguised sorcerer, who wanted to kill the King. Not that it was a crime by Gwen’s standards. Maybe naivety or misfortune, but not a crime…

Well, ironically, it didn’t matter what she thought. If people saw the Queen visiting the grave of someone, accused of complicity to the assassination of the royal, they would use it against her. Against Arthur. 

Unspilled tears seared insides of her eyelids. She, the Queen, would have to sneak out of Camelot to pay respect for her father who was unjustly murdered, and then deemed undeserving of a grave.

It was so humiliating. 

The sound of Gwen’s sob was muffled by the opening door.  
\- Guinevere! - Arthur’s charmingly smug voice filled the air and Gwen chastised herself, clapping her cheeks. “It’s not the time”. - I prepared dinner for us, so...

Of all the time in the world, Arthur chose this moment to be perceptive. He carefully lowered a tray with food onto the corner of the desk and frowned. Gwen prayed that her eyes weren’t red. She smiled, a bit forcefully, truth be told, but Arthur wasn’t convinced:

\- You are upset by something.

Gwen just shrugged vaguely. Arthur tenderly rolled his eyes.

\- Come on. You can tell me, Guinevere.

Gwen found herself clamped between the window sill and Arthur’s arms, hovering inches beside her shoulders. There was something touching in his hesitant, empathetic face and Gwen smiled gently.

It was the right thing to do because Arthur, always eager for affection, honest to gods beamed.

And like a lovestruck idiot she was, Gwen just couldn’t resist.

\- My father,- she blurted. - I’m sad about my father. His mu... death.- Gwen finished lamely.

Suddenly the atmosphere became awkward. They didn’t talk about that. Right. Gwen promptly looked anywhere, besides Arthur, both wishing and dreading, he would ask her to elaborate. Arthur did not.

Though, to his credit, he didn’t switch the theme either. Gwen stilled, then started to search the room with her eyes. She saw Arthur's right arm, tensed, the corner of the desk, some scrolls with reports, different handwriting mashing and making her dizzy, old dried out ink, the tray from the King chamber’s filled with plates of food.

Food. Food was good right about now.

Her stomach grumbled. Gods.

\- What do you have here? - Gwen knew her ears reddened. - Smells delicious.

She didn’t raise her head but still felt the reluctance, with which Arthur pulled away. 

She instantly slipped to the other side of the desk, putting away all of the scrolls nervously.

\- Guinevere, you... I...

\- Don’t. - Gwen cut him off, finally looking at Arthur intensely and almost apologetically.

\- Sorry. - Arthur snapped out of it and started to rearrange the plates.

\- It’s quails. Caught them this morning. All things best for my Queen!

***

\- Martha, you worked with our Queen someday, haven't you?

\- Yes, my lady. She is such dearie.

\- Hm, I see.

\- She must have come from a good family, wouldn't you say?

\- Heavens no! Poor girl lost a mother at a young age, and her other family... People say sir Elyan was a rogue assassin before His majesty knighted him. I remember in our youth he was a troublemaker and Gwennie always saved him.

\- Poor girl indeed! And her father?

\- Oh, scary story, my lady. Late King Uther executed him for conspiring _with a sorcerer_. 

\- Gods!

\- Yes, I am so-o-o happy Gwennie is doing well now.

\- Hm. Thank you, Martha. This information was... interesting.

\- I am glad to be of assistance.

***

They ate mostly in silence, each attempt at conversation breaking off before it had a chance to develop. It was a bit awkward, but not so much more than usual. After all, she and Arthur did communicate better with their actions and emotions rather than words. For example, now Arthur was saying that he was sorry for what happened to her father and that it caused her great pain, and he would do _anything_ in his power to make it easier for her. Including denouncing Uther and recognizing his wrongdoings right now, if only Gwen indicated it was the right time to talk about it. 

All this Gwen understood from the miserable slump of Arthur’s shoulders, the lingering quality to all of their touches, his painfully sincere eyes, stubbornly and bravely continuing facing hers, the gentleness of his tone, that almost succeeded to sound protective and reassuring. But she knew and appreciated it long before. Appreciated more than words could ever express. 

However, the way it pertains to her, the problem with her father and Arthur was, essentially, more of Arthur’s problem. Arthur’s problem with Uther, about him being not just occasionally wrong or unjustifiably paranoid, but _a bad person_. And logically, based on all Arthur’s patterns of behaviour she learned for all those years they knew each other, Gwen understood that the most effective way to make Arthur face that problem would be, well, to make him. To give him a little push. But, in heart, oh, in heart she felt like the worst kind of person for even thinking of it!

She knew Arthur was fully capable of doing the right thing, universally right thing, independently and he was already working on it, like almost a month old chick, full of persistence and fear of unknown, he was pecking bit by bit that shell he was surrounded by since birth. He had been standing up to his father then, saving Merlin’s village, sneaking out the druid boy, dating her, and he was doing it now. By knighting commoners, men and women alike, lowering taxes on poor and so much more!

Gwen believed he could do it, it was the main reason she tolerated Uther’s regime, _stayed in Camelot even_.

Well, that and Morgana...

Anyway, to smash that shell with a hammer, and for what, for her own convenience, out of annoyance... It would be betrayal! She trusted Arthur. Trusted in him still, long after she made her position known.

And Gwen trusted Arthur to read it in her gestures too.

She must have stared at him for too long as Arthur suddenly stopped chewing. He awkwardly swallowed and cleared his throat:

\- Would you be amendable to go on a ride with me two days from now? I and my knights should leave for Reinar in three days on a mission.

That was unexpected. Gwen smiled:

\- Of course, I’ll even make time if needed.

Arthur smiled back, but there must have been something in her tone that he quickly added:

\- I should be back by the end of the week, - he then slowed down, unsure. - It’s a quick mission...

And they were back to where they began.

\- I wish you luck. With the mission. - Gwen hastened to shrug nonchalantly. - Reinar, you say? There was a lot of shortages, since the coronation. Joseph said it was machinations of some nobles that lost power. - Gwen frowned. - But we decided to resolve it peacefully, by winning people over with good policies and aids...

Arthur though didn’t look concerned:

\- Yes, but I just got a secret report from Udna. - he stopped to chew. - They suspect some shortages were caused by arson. No one got hurt but we decided to quickly catch the culprit and hold the trial right there.

\- That is a wise decision. - Gwen answered absentmindedly, heart reassured. She stacked utensils on top of her empty plate. - Pass to Merlin my thanks for the dinner. It was lovely.

Arthur suddenly chocked:

\- But I made it!

Oh, that’s the thing. Gwen smiled slyly in her shoulder and then turned to Arthur, raising her eyebrow:

\- I didn’t know you knew how to cook.

\- Well, I cathed the thing, didn’t I? - Arthur, bless him, looked downright _betrayed_ , his pretty lips, shining from all the grease, in the pout, and big blue eyes emanating hurt. - Woke up almost at dawn! And it was my idea too! To bring dinner here for you. - He continued, muttering. - Pass my thanks to _Mer_ lin. For what? Would have cooked something for dinner anyway. Although, knowing him...

Gwen broke down in laughter, casing Arthur to fall silent and rapidly turn red. What a ridiculous man!

*** 

\- Who does this _girl_ think she is! Dismissing the counsel so early in the day!

\- What's happened, my love?

\- The Queen again. She said we were not having a productive discussion, so she dismissed the council since, I quote, "None of the sounded ideas appear to be substantial enough to warrant such lengthy arguments" and " Our time would be better spent working on other projects for now".

\- But that's _unheard of!_ Even King Uther, despite the old age, held sessions in proper length! Has King Arthur not said something?

\- Oh, the boy is _infatuated_. I bet, I know what "other projects" she will better be working right now!

\- My love!

\- I am sorry, dear. I am simply concerned for the future of our kingdom. You remember, how she was suspected for enchanting then prince Arthur not so long ago? Now Uther is dead, and suddenly she appears again, and The King is following her every whim? Something is not right here.

\- I heard her father was executed for conspiring _with a sorcerer_ to kill Uther.

\- Gods save the Albion!

***

Morning of their ride greeted Gwen with nice weather. She was even embarrassed for how fast her heart thumped in anticipation as soon as she peered out the window into the outside. The clear sky was so perfectly and solidly blue it seemed almost _touchable_ , the edge of it piling on the horizon, clothing the earth like a carefully put, well, cloth. The patches of grass, that was seen sparingly from the chambers, were such bright green colour it made Gwen’s head spin. And of course, Camelot, her favourite place in the whole Albion, her hometown, was breathtaking. One of the main perks of living in the castle was the view of the city. Never before was Gwen able to truly experience majesty and unity that was Camelot, until she, as a young teen, only starting to train to be a maidservant to the King’s ward, looked at it from the castle window and saw waves of rooftops and steeples, both familiar and not, stretched out to as far as her glance went.

Gwen took a deep breath and turned to the room, lightheaded. Inside her wrestled complete valid concerns of what attire should she choose for today and a stupid tune she always hummed when she was happy. Arthur had risen early and was already gone on his knight's duties and her maidservant, Sefa, wasn’t required to attend on nonspecial occasions, so it left her by herself. 

Now, she had a council session in the morning, so she couldn’t exactly wear something very practical like she did when going on a mission with the knights, but also, only gods knew, what Arthur meant by a ride in the valley. Gwen never was there so the chances were that the valley would turn out to be full of small ravines and tall peaks, that was _fun to ride_.

He did take her on a picnic in the place lying over famously impenetrable forest once.

In the end, she chose a purple dress, simple and comfortable, that she remade half a year ago from her servant clothes to fit a more queenly attire. 

* * *

Gwen turned out to be right. Merlin, upon seeing her stepping down the front stars, sagged with relief on his horse. Then instantly his expression soured:

\- Having fun? - he muttered. - Wait, till I tell you where you date is going to be.

Typical Merlin. Gwen could bet that even in heaven he’ll find reasons to be grumpy.

She laughed, taking the reins of one of the horses Merlin prepared, Zephyr, a beautiful six-year-old, solemn and sturdy. He barely waved his horsetail at Gwen’s petting, not changing expression in his unamused eyes.

Merlin approvingly grunted:

\- Yes, Zeph is right. We’ve got no time on all this. - he drew the reins and turned to the gates. - We need to ride through one place, to get to another, and then another and another, all for one amazing, rewarding goal of riding horses in, you guessed it, another place.

* * *

After half an hour of riding, Merlin had not cheered up. Even if nature was rejoicing. The forest sang. Everything: cheerful birds, swinging trees, wind, blowing in ears carried its own melody, happy to be alive. But while Gwen admired the nature, Merlin, in the most uncharacteristic manner, only looked straight ahead, focused on their destination.

Usually, all hints on her and Arthur’s relationship, or rather Gwen’s almost teenage infatuation with Arthur, brought Merlin in a merry mood. He reacted to it like to the funniest joke he’d ever heard, always teasing her with pointed looks and sceptically raised eyebrows at most innocent things.

Gwen fiddled with barrette she wore just for the occasion. It was a giant snazzy thing that painfully tagged at Gwen’s hair, wherever she moved her head too abruptly and seemed a bit out of touch with her otherwise more grounded attire. That one time Arthur said it made her eyes sparkle though, so when she saw it while looking for her favourite hairbrush this morning... Naturally, Gwen could not resist. Like a complete fool. Even now she felt inexplicable faintness coursing through her limbs at the mere thought of Arthur seeing her. 

Gwen shook her head. Maybe Merlin was right to make fun of her.

Well, what mattered right now, was that Merlin would have noticed the barrette.

\- What happened? - she asked, catching up to him. - Arthur’s making you work three times harder since, you know, the mission?

Gwen suddenly faltered, not sure, if Merlin knew about the mission. It being secret and all.

Her concerns, however, were empty, since Merlin didn’t even bat an eye:

\- Something like this. - he smiled feebly. - Sorry, didn’t mean to be grumpy. Haven’t really slept for awhile. 

\- Could probably sleep on our date.

\- Can’t. - Merlin winced. - Will have to go back to Camelot with the patrol to prepare weapons for tomorrow. Hope Arthur’ll catch a lichen without me there to run after him.

Weird.

\- You are not going? But you always go!

Merlin shrugged vaguely: - Arthur doesn’t mind.

\- Aw, don’t listen to him, he’ll probably miss you. - Gwen swatted his shoulder lightly, on what Merlin snorted good-naturedly.

\- Gods save me then! Last time he “missed” me, I ended up doing almost all night cleaning in your chambers, while Arthur laid on his comfy bed, blabbering away about some knight stuff, like fellowship, - he snorted, - or... damned equality.

Suddenly he slowed down his horse and tilted his head, eyes squinting slyly:

\- Aren’t you concerned, Arthur will miss you? Couse, you really should if you are not...

  
Gwen tried to sound as nonchalant as she could muster:

\- I am already using my free time to ride at least an hour to only gods know where just to ride in that place some more, aren’t I?

  
And that did Merlin in. He finally laughed, relaxed, Gwen joining him.

***

\- Your majesty.

\- Speak, uncle. I noticed something has been worrying you these past few weeks.

\- I don't want to sound _inappropriate_...

\- Don't worry. I know, how you always had good intentions and exhibited concern about our kingdom.

\- It's the Queen, your majesty. 

\- Continue, please.

\- Now, I am aware of how much Guinevere means to You and I trust your decisions fully, but counsels... There are talks among them, they don't trust the Queen to be an experienced enough politician to participate in court meetings. She proposes sensible decisions finances wise but doesn't acknowledge the cultural impact they would have...

\- Is this about Midyear festivals?

\- Spot on, Your majesty. Undoubtedly, the amount of tax money that we spend on some celebrations is wasteful. But midyear festivals are the symbol of our Kingdom, a time, where everyone gathers in one place, boasts about their achievements, crafts, swordsmanship! A time when people can see how wonderful their country is! To deprive them of that would be cruel and ridiculous.

\- That is what counsels say, of course. And they, dare I say, are not entirely incorrect. I, with regrets, report to you, my Lord, that my informants say some prominent farmers are already worried they will lose a part of the profit from the sales on midyear fairs.

\- I only inform you of this, because I care about your wellbeing. You know, how ruthless some nobles can be. As the new King, you should be _extremely_ careful.

***

-Tprru!

  
Arthur pulled the reins, trying to keep Archie still. Now, when he was standing on the crossroad leading to the valley, going for a ride that far from Camelot didn’t seem like such a wonderful idea.

First, his horse Archi, short for Archibald, a ridiculous human name Merlin gave it, was not in his best form. Hell, after the patrol they had, Arthur _himself_ wasn’t in best form.

Second, this destination he realised somewhat begrudgingly gave more time with Gwen not him, but rather Merlin. And Merlin was having a terrible influence on his wife. 

On the other hand, the valley was extremely lovely, even by Arthur’s standards: fields and fields of colourful meadow flowers crashing into each other. He didn’t recognize any of them, except maybe Ledum, but the view was impressive. Gwen, a girl, will surely love it.

Just because she happened to be a girl and love flowers, _of course_.

Arthur rode over a small hill and frowned. Not even ten meters before him sat always the slacker Merlin, right on the green odorous grass, and his beautiful Guinevere, thank gods, on Merlin’s ratty jacket. Both were seemingly having a splendid time, Merlin telling some of his stories animatedly and Guinevere laughing. He spotted a motley bouquet laying beside Gwen’s feet and silently cursed for not coming up with the idea himself.

He loudly coughed:

\- Sorry I am late, Guinevere...

Merlin jumped on his legs.

\- You made it! I thought you said you wouldn't come!

\- Yes, you didn’t have to worry, we were having a great time.

“What are they on about?” As far as Arthur remembered he _never_ said such things and what it is with _a great time_...

\- I even picked up some flowers for her and all that!

\- What are you on about? I thought me and Guinevere were supposed to have a date. 

Merlin looked as dumbfounded as Arthur felt.

\- Well, - he started explaining slowly, as if things he was saying made perfect sense, - there were certainly a date supposed to happen, but I thought you wouldn’t come!

\- On my own date?!

What _nonsense!_

\- Yes! - Merlin looked surlier and surlier by the second. - You said “Merlin, bring Gwen on a date to the valley tomorrow. We need to make sure she sees such a beautiful place.” So I brought her on a date.

Arthur was speechless. What kind of logic was that!

\- You bumpkin! I meant to bring her to the valley so that we could have a date! 

Now Merlin sounded outraged. Like he even had a right to be!

\- And how was I supposed to know? You are always telling me to pass Gwen this or that. Bring Gwen flower, Merlin, accompany her to the shop, write a romantic note for her... - he sat, pouting. - I thought you wanted me to show her the valley too.

\- Yes, Arthur. It is no big deal. Merlin became really good at taking care of me. - as in evidence of her words, Guinevere lifted the damned bouquet. - Bluets and globeflowers are my favourites.

\- Oh thank you, wasn’t sure about the bluets...

\- Stop this, they are beautiful!

Arthur couldn’t believe his eyes. Or ears. He only asked Merlin to do those things, because he didn’t think Guinevere will like what _he_ chose or wrote! And now he was being dismissed from his own date. Arthur was certain even if his wife didn’t quite like his taste, she liked him!

He must have had been looking like a right idiot because Gwen and Merlin both _guffawed_ at him!

\- Oh, Arthur. - Guinevere walked up to him, arms wide open. - we were just joking. Of course, I was waiting for you!

Oh. _Oh_. He frigidly accepted the hug, glaring at Merlin, who hadn’t even had the decency to stop laughing, from behind Guinevere's shoulder. At least, his wife looked a bit guilty if he would peer at her long enough. Arthur frowned:

\- Well, I didn’t _believe_ you. Just wanted to see _Mer_ lin make a complete fool of himself. 

At this Merlin ceased his laughed only to replace it with a smirk:

\- You seemed pretty worried to me, right, Gwen?

\- A tiny bit.

_Guinevere!_

\- I wasn’t. Just seemed that way and only because I am a better actor than you two.

Merlin signed mockingly:

\- If only our King had other talents.

\- If only you, Merlin, had _any_ talents. - He put Merlin in a headlock, rubbing the top of his head forcefully. What? He couldn’t be angry at _the Queen_ , especially since amusement suited her so well. - My weapons are waiting for you in Camelot, Merlin. I expect you to do a perfect job with them, since I know you gonna be lazing around when I am gone.

\- Ow! You are pulling my hair out!

Merlin weaselled out of his arms and went to his horse, sneaking in a rude gesture at Arthur while Guinevere wasn’t watching.

Arthur glared in return. _Finally_ , he was left to have a good time one on one with his wife.

***

\- Did you hear, that The Queen cut the patrol short today, just so she could have _a date?!_


	2. Chapter 2

\- You can't blame me for my father's sins.

\- It's a little late for that, you made it perfectly clear how you feel about me and my kind. You are not as different from Uther as you'd like to think.

\- Nor are you.

***

Arthur was leaving at sunrise. He was clad in red and gold and silver, proud Camelot King on his way to save another village from bandits attacks. All a show, of course, to throw certain people off.

His loyal knights, solemn and sombre, towered on their unrestful horses over the parting party. Only Elyan briefly had gotten off his steed to hug her goodbye. Gwen then sneaked a Brigantia medal into his satchel.

Gwen stood ahead with her back to the people of the royal court. In the dull silence of the morning castle where each rustle and murmur was seemingly soaked by the damp air that was left after the early fog, she could pretend that way that she alone was seeing Arthur off.

They had a farewell in their chambers, so Arthur held himself detachedly. He led Archi to stand beside her, sweeping worried eyes over the courtyard. Gwen instantly clutched the breast band of his horse, putting the other hand on Arthur's knee.

Arthur tenderly lifted her chin. His eyes were burning.

\- I am leaving.

His word came out muffled and if Gwen wasn't so entranced by his lips, she would have thought she hallucinated.

\- Kiss me, - she breathed, surprising even herself.

Artur didn't answer, his eyes going back to looking behind her. Gwen swayed.

\- Arthur...

\- I wish you a successful trip, Your majesty!

Agravaine's loud voice grazed through the silence and made everyone flinch.

\- Thank you, uncle.

Arthur's tone did not invite continuation.

He nodded at the Knights to start moving.

Then caught Gwen's falling hand and briefly hunched over for a kiss.

\- Be careful, Guinevere.

And in an instant, he was gone. And although even the thud of hoofs had long disappeared, Gwen was rooted in one place, not wanting to face the court, or rather Agravaine. She didn't know why, but the man invoked some primal disgust in her. Since childhood when she trained herself to value people based only on their actions, Gwen had not felt such repulsion to a way one looks. Starting with his pasty yellowish face that resembled oatcakes her grandmother made, always adding a little too much oil, and his greasy thin hair to his always black, well-worn clothes, that without fail collected all the dust and dirt and looked untidy type of grey by the end of the day; everything rubbed Gwen the wrong way. And for the first time, she didn't want to ignore her gut feeling.

Gwen felt a presence behind her. She turned around. Agravaine.

\- These next days will be a great ordeal for you, my Queen.

Agravaine stood, his hands clutched behind his back, and as much as she tried Gwen couldn't discern any thought in his always ingratiating expression. She decided to go on a safe route:

\- Indeed, they will.

Agravaine just nodded in response, as mysterious as ever:

\- It is my duty as a confidant to the King and also your uncle-in-law, - Gwen tried not to shudder at these words, - to assist you the best that I can. I _want to_ assist you, Your Highness. - Agravane bowed a little. - I will be at your disposal, please, do not hesitate to ask me for help.

\- Of course, - Gwen barely moved, - thank you, counsel.

She didn't know what to think about the exchange. For all her weird feelings and distrust, Agravaine's action was always ambitious enough that one could think he truly cares about Camelot.

Gwen straightened herself. Agravaine was Arthur's last loving relative, and, to her knowledge, had yet to do something malicious, she just couldn't dwell on such thoughts.

* * *

Maybe not so surprisingly, the ruling part of her job was just as easy as before. Not easy, she didn't treat lawmaking lightly, or thought it was easy! Wait...

Maybe not so surprisingly, the ruling part of her job had not become harder. Because of the changes implemented right after her coronation, the heir to the throne could have his or her spouse assume part of their duties, so frequently she handled certain things alone or was left completely in charge when Arthur went on a day or even a half-day patrol. However, wrapped in the knowledge that Arthur wouldn't come to nip in the bud their most ineffective and selfish proposals, those, who opposed her, were getting bolder. The nerve of Uden to try and slip amendment of reduction of aid to Etures province, when not even a month before he requested an aid himself!

Despite her burning indignation, Gwen kept her face cold:

\- Once again I remind you, that any amendment to the winter decrees Sir Geoffry is kindly composing is invalid unless is discussed by all members of the court and approved personally by me or the King. - she said as formally as she could. - If you had adhered to the process, you would have learned that since west of the country was left in ruins by Cenred's army, Etures, according to recent reports, is providing almost 70% of crops consumed by the rest of the provinces. If Camelot won't aid them with devastations brought by rain season, we will have no food come spring.

\- Council dismissed.

Gwen stood up, still the picture-perfect Queen, calm and collected. She waited until members of the court bided their goodbye and left the Throne room. Then she sagged back in, ignoring the carving of the coronation of one of Arthur's ancestor, that painfully dug into her back.

\- Heavens! I was so afraid of the court in Uther's time, but some of them seem really nice. - Without any regard for the invaluable centuries-old wood, Merlin jumped on the round table and instantly stretched his grubby hands to the confidential documents.

Oh, she forgot about the other problem. Merlin. The boy also seemed to need Arthur, as it was revealed he didn't appear to have respect for any other authority figure and was doing whatever his heart desired. Now, apparently, it desired to commit espionage.

Gwen yanked all the documents right from under one curious nose and stacked them onto the nearest chair.

\- I can legally put you in the cells for being here, Merlin. - she said with no real heat.

Merlin just grunted in response. Gwen sighed exaggeratedly.

\- What are you doing here, Merlin?

His confidence faded in a second.

\- Just... You know, trying to learn about the people who oversee us all?

Gwen raised her brows somewhat thoughtfully. It did sound like the truth. After Arthur's departure, Merlin spent all his time in the castle, or rather in this room, almost religiously following every council meeting, audiences with the Queen, trials and knight reports.

Why though?

\- They are like everyone else. Some are truly decent people, some are selfish, most - indifferent. The members of the council all have lands in their home provinces, and they have serfs to work on this land and bring them a steady flow of money. They also have their fees for service and privileges. - Gwen shrugged. - I would say they are pretty impartial and empathetic. The indifferent ones. Certainly think of themselves as good. Most of them I like.

\- But they wouldn't argue too much over anything?

Merlin's voice sounded weird, disgusted even.

Gwen smile was no more than a sad upturn of the corner of her lips.

\- No, they wouldn't.

* * *

The next day a protest broke. Well, not a protest, but a group of traders demanded that all knights of non-noble birth that would protect their caravan are to be sent away or replaced as the traders shared concerns about "safety of their possessions", so Gwen took Leon as the leader of the Knights and they both set to the main guild house.

Unfortunately, 5 hours of discussions didn't resolve the problem. After citing reports of crimes committed by the new knights (none) and telling detailed descriptions of how a person could become a knight, of training, and of personal achievements, there were still people who just would not budge!

It seemed that she would have to hold voting with Geoffry present to legalize it. Maybe the council could even come up with a law...

Tired, Gwen accepted Leon's help in mounting her horse, Zephyr. It was time to go back.

Leon coughed, looking unsure:

\- Your Majesty, - at Gwen's nod he became serious, - as a man in charge of the Knights of Camelot, I promise you loya...

\- WHA IN THE WORLD FAU I'LL NEED YER RUGS, YA STUPID DONCKEW!

Someone yelled from the yard, and then a dull thump of a door was heard.

\- My rags is of the highest quality in the whole Albion! Everyone, from the King of Mercia to the Romain clerics, needs them!

\- Than tha bunch havnae pulp in their pumpkin, same as yar! Thin asa blade of grass thera, good fau nothing!

Gwen chuckled. Caine never loved politeness.

Leon, on the contrary, looked mildly uncomfortable.

\- I will deal with it, Your Majesty.

\- You will.

Gwen hesitated a bit.

\- And, Leon, thank you for your words.

* * *

She rode with a sour taste in her mouth. It wasn't a first such incident, and she genuinely was baffled by some of the people. What moved them that they couldn't see the oblivious wrongness, the evil of their actions, that never truly benefited anybody, especially in the long run?

For her discovering her neighbour, Wesley, who practically built the best inn in Camelot with dirt and sticks, thought that to each their own, and people not of noble birth are less entrepreneurial and "Oh, the King shouldn't give them money for building anything, except their own houses. It's a straight waste! You have to be born special to bring good to people" and Zara, a lovely girl which always treated her nicely despite realizing through years the difference in their statuses would rather have her nanny executed based on unfounded suspicions then "feel uneasy" was tiring. She thought the battle was won when Arthur first, still when Uther was alive, held a trial, where a word of a commoner mattered.

She thought they just had to wait.

Well, turned out Arthur's personal journey was the least of their worries.

* * *

Back at the castle, she was greeted with a bit of chaos.

The courtyard was filled with a small crowd of peasants, complete with their children and for some reason cattle. Gwen saw a dozen pigs, horses and one big lazy-looking cow. Despite the low number of processors, the clamour they produced was deafening. Gwen froze, concerned.

Thankfully, upon closer inspection, the people's expression appeared pleased as they themselves were. Gwen didn't know any of them personally, so the greetings, when people were passing on the way out, were swift.

Gwen dismounted, leaving Zephyr to Otis the stablehand. She obviously needed to sort out what this was all about.

However, Agravaine beat her to it. He flew down the main stairs, his cloak billowing, sir Hanry with whom she arrived, on his toes.

\- I was informed the issue remains, but the situation is deescalated. Is this correct, Your Majesty?

\- You are right, counsel. - Gwen nodded.

\- Then I am glad.

Gwen squinted thoughtfully. Something was different. Agravaine looked dishevelled. And not the kind one gets when running through a castle. No, the weary kind.

\- And how the castle fared in my absence?

Agravaine laughed.

\- You must have seen our guests!

\- I took the responsibility to hold trials to settle disputes between peasants. You see, there was a lot of petitioners coming from afar, the last bunch is from Therunna.

\- That is a good initiative. I wouldn't have been in time. - Gwen was pleasantly surprised. Usually, all petitions by peasants were reviewed on demand by the Queen or The King or a delegated noble. Of course, the job wasn't extremely popular as it left no room for political ambitions. They mostly had to guess which decision would be both in accordance with the law and pleasing to the people's will otherwise the later would unleash all its power. Honestly, Gwen didn't expect Agravane to be this... selfless.

\- Thank you, your Majesty. - Agravaine faltered. - May I suggest, given this trying situations, of course...

\- Go on.

\- I will like to offer my help in lifting this burden off your shoulder and be constant representative in the court of a common community.

Gwen pondered the suggestion. She actually liked that. Hugely. The matters discussed in the court was often trivial and overseeing it took a lot of time considering the time when she disagreed with counsels were awfully sparse.

And people always could appeal to the Queen.

Gwen nodded.

\- Excellent, counsel. You will be helping a great deal.

* * *

\- You are the Queen, can't you move the court meeting?

Merlin jumped out of nowhere, while she was walking to the Throne room, almost making Gwen drop the reports she was holding. On Gwen's indignant gawk he just innocently smiled, vigorously taking away all the top-secret documents. Gwen lightly flicked his nose and rearranged the heap in Merlin's arm to her liking.

\- Good morning, Merlin. - Gwen sighed exaggeratedly. - And why would I do that?

Merlin smile was disarming.

\- I can't attend both the court and trials at the same time?

\- And why do you want to?

Merlin stopped, frowning comically, and tried to hold his hand over his heart while having his arms full. He wasn't very successful.

\- I am plagued by concerns about our Kingdom.

Gwen laughed.

\- You always say the weirdest things, Merlin.

Merlin looked offended, but it was short-lived.

\- It's not a weird thing to say. I live here! Besides, I don't trust some counsels.

\- I already said they are mostly harmless.

\- Well! - Merlin shrugged. - Have you seen Agravaine, for example? The man runs his servants rugged, but had he ever thought to ask them to make him a bath? No. _He_ is the weird one. I just _have to_ watch him in court.

\- Careful, Agravaine is of the royal family. - She bumped their shoulders playfully. - Besides, I made him a constant representative at the trials.

Merlin frowned.

\- For forever?

\- No, until Arthur's back.

\- Hum.

Merlin scratched his nose thoughtfully. Then he bolted.

\- Hey, give back my reports!

* * *

Three days after a disguised Reinar knight reported that Arthur's mission was extended to an unidentified period.

Then at the beginning of a new week, a sorcerer was executed for the first time since the new King's coronation.

A man's crime was magicking the crops on his part of the village's field to grow healthy during suspiciously rainless summer. He was a middle-aged man, rather average in appearance, but with a round bald patch on the top of his head. Despite the situation, the man looked more annoyed than scared or sad. Well, until his mother, old, dried up woman with gangly fingers and set face, came out of the crowd of his fellow villagers, that brought him to trial, and spitted at the foot of his pyre.

Gwen, summoned by Argravaine's servant mere minutes ago, looked at the scene from the balcony in confusing feelings. Since early morning of yesterday, she was preparing the Kingdom to fare without his young King, talking to ambassadors, awakened like guard dogs that smelled tart spirit of unrest, ordering heralds to bring messages to concerned people, reviewing those of royal initiatives they decided 5 days ago could wait until Arthur's return and figuring out where the hell Merlin disappeared to. And by the evening she was drained, her whole body, muscles, joints, head, buzzing, the phrase "Lord Agravaine request your presence at the execution, Your Majesty" sliding of her conscience like a piece of a scroll would've of a dry wall.

Mindlessly swept by the crowd of people, who spotted unremarkable, routine kind of indignation, Gwen held her individual scrolls, that described details of the trial and her heart was dully thumping, making her ears feel like they were stuffed with cotton.

If her heart was beating in sympathy or in fear, she couldn't tell.

\- The crowd awaits you, Your Majesty.

Agravaine stood in a center of the balcony, his scroll with a speech, unwrapped, already being held by both of his lowered hands. He looked tired but in a professional kind of way that told: "I already had a long day of hard work, but if not me then who?". He was confident. In control.

Gwen didn't even remember she had a say in what was happening until she took a step ahead and by a welcoming roar deafened her. Instantly her mind cleared. In reality, _she_ was the one deciding whether a man dies today.

Gwen looked at the man, who was held by a guard while the last preparations were being made. He didn't look evil. But again, Gwen thought, remembering the scroll, he confessed to using magic. Only the thought sent chills down her spine.

She could understand druids, they cast aside the society with its conveniences and temptations; they worshipped magic akin a God, the ultimate good, whatever they perceived that good as. Why would an ordinary man risk to gain this power, learn such a thing by himself unless he wanted to abuse its gifts?

The crowd cheered again and again Gwen roused herself. Right, she was the Queen. People depended on her for protection. Did she have a right to risk their wellbeing, their lives by letting a sorcerer run free? A sorcerer who already deserved a harsh punishment for endangering his fellow villagers' lives by causing a poor harvest.

She knew her answer.

Her ice-cold fingers clenched her skirt where it was obstructed by the balustrade. Gwen nodded to start the execution.

* * *

A few days later Merlin appeared. To Gwen's great relief, he looked fine. He snuck through corridors still with the same briskness, always against the current and always barely looking around, his hair was just as wild and his voice, teasing and confident, was always heard in the crooked corridors of the castle.

She would have asked him if he was fine and where he went to, but for some reason, it appeared he didn't want to talk to her.

Gaius said he urgently needed some rare herb, so he sent Merlin for it. Gwen then looked at his dusty pestles and jars and mortars and didn't believe him. Merlin himself didn't say hello or approached her and seemed to have a thing to which he has to run whenever she tried to talk to him.

One time upon seeing her at the other side of the corridor he just turned away and sped up.

That... hurt.

However, marking another day since Ocelus' celebrations to the day of her father's murder, Gwen selfishly wished Merlin would still accompany her to her father's grave like he always did.

* * *

That day Merlin appeared only when the sky above Camelot was becoming stained with hues of pink and purple and orange, like a starched doily soaking up spilt wine. Gwen was tying up her worn simple satchel when he jumped from the window, casual and tense at the same time. Despite her fright, Gwen barely moved. By Merlin's distant, serious eyes, she understood something was still wrong between them. She just wished Merlin would have said to her what it was.

But Merlin remained silent. He fumbled a little with a rope that he brought, then clapped Gwen's shoulder reassuringly and leapt from the window.

Now Gwen reacted. She cried out and dashed to the windowsill, but she couldn't see anything, except the end of the rope that was straining and twitching, disappearing into the night.

* * *

Horses that waited for them behind castle walls were restless. They stomped at one place and even reared from time to time. Zephyr, usually indifferent to whatever is done to him, slapped her with his horsetail as she was trying to pet him. It made Gwen restless too. Her heart was beating at the throat, panic both quickening and slowing the world around her.

She thought about bandits and her empty chambers and what would happen if Arthur returned just now. Merlin must have sensed her state of mind because he glanced back:

\- I told Leon we would be away, he promised to take care of the castle.

Gwen didn't answer.

* * *

When they arrived at the place, all of Gwen's thoughts and worries were as though wiped away. She hopped down from Zephyr and in the next moment was already kneeling beside her father's grave.

It was just three uneven stones, resting on each other, barely distinctive after a year under layers of mud and moss and fallen leaves, forgotten, engulfed by the strict and impassive nature. Just another part of a landscape, just another life insensibly snatched before it's time by the calamity that was Uther's reign.

That sight hurt her. Gwen was chocking on her tears as ripped and swept away all the filth covering the stones with her bare hands. How did nature dare claim that was not yet hers to keep? Life already deprived her father of so much: a wife, then a son, of freedom, of a feeling of safety, of having a decent existence, with a full stomach and rested shoulders, of a dignified death. And even then it didn't want to stop... Well, then Gwen would stop her. She could do it! She was the Queen, goddamnit!

Gwen cried and cried and cried, smearing tears and mud over her face, she cried until all the water ran out of her, leaving her stiff, until the chill of the earth that was falling asleep seeped all the way to her bones, until the next time she had opened her eyes, the darkness was all she could see.

Gwen helplessly grabbed the air around, feeling like she was falling, her legs numb from long sitting, until a hand bumped into hers and three feet away a bonfire flared.

\- Shh! - Merlin hugged her shoulders, gently rocking left to right. - It's fine. Everything will be fine.

Gwen leaned into him, still disoriented.

\- I didn't bring any water, but I ha...

\- I did.

Merlin understood her, stood up and went to Zephyr.

It took most of the water in her waterskin for Gwen to be clean again. The remaining she poured onto the stones.

Then they sat beside the fire, silent until Gwen's expression started twisting more and more with each wave of an impending headache. Like a stubborn child, she ignored it, willing for it to go away.

Merlin noticed. She knew he noticed by his comically stupefied face. He shifted and produced a jug of mead from somewhere.

\- It's not water, - Merlin shrugged, - but Gaius said honey has healing properties.

Gwen took the jug. She rarely drank, but nights always brought a sense of impunity, otherness, like whatever you would do will happen in another world. And, Gods help, maybe Gwaine was right and there was something in alcohol.

After the first round, Gwen's headache dulled a little, her vision blurred both from the drink and the crying. Merlin, however, seemingly remembered something, as he withdrew again, clothing his knees tight to his body.

Suddenly, Gwen became annoyed.

\- What are you mad at me for? Just say it!

Merlin shrunk more.

\- It's nothing. I'm sorry.

He said, but there wasn't any sincerity in his tone, just sadness. Gwen anger dissipated as quickly as it appeared. She also drew her knees to her body and took another sip.

\- Why does it have to be like this? I was supposed to take care of him, and couldn't even... - She inhaled loudly, tormented by the many questions that still didn't get answered. - All this sneaking around. All his life he lived as an honest man, I swear. And one little mistake...

Gwen glanced at Merlin. Maybe it was the work of dusk that made things bend into one another at the same time elongating, extenuating each feature, transforming a face into a performance mask, but Merlin again looked like some other person, more seasoned, older. Another question that she would never get an answer to.

Gwen turned back to the bonfire.

\- He bought me a dress with the money that he got from that job. It was stupid; we had nothing for the winter in the cellar and our roof leaked in one place and where would I ever wear it! - She laughed drily, not expecting any kind of reaction as she had already told this exact story. - But he bought it anyway for me. I didn't realize it firstly, what he meant, but he believed that if you work hard enough and be a decent person Gods will reward you. When I cried that I could not go to a ball with all my friends because of who we were, dad said it to me and promised one day life would reward us and he would buy me the prettiest dress so I too could just... live and don't worry about anything.

\- What had he ever done, I don't understand?! - She cried out in emptiness of the night. Merlin just passed her the jug.

They sat in silence, Gwen's mind cluttered by thoughts about why did her dad ran and who helped him, about Elyan, who was still stuck on a mission and how badly he and dad parted, about the bonfire that should have already died down but was as strong as it was at the beginning. Like a dog chasing her own tail, her mind chased these thoughts, always just out of reach.

* * *

Gwen finally moved at sunrise. She stood up on her throbbing legs and said the last prayer over her father's grave, asking Gods to let her take Elyan and, maybe, Arthur next time.

Merlin was long working, watering the horses, gathering their supplies and engulfing the bonfire. Suddenly feeling playful, Gwen fumbled for an acorn and threw it at Merlin with no real force.

\- Why are you upset with me really?

Merlin just rolled his eyes at her, teasingly. Gwen smiled back.

Only when the castle walls were in sight, Merlin suddenly stated inquiringly:

\- The execution, - he raised his shoulders up to his ears, uncomfortable, - Gaius said you executed a sorcerer when I was gone?

\- Oh, he confessed to spoiling the crops. - Gwen frowned. Why would an execution... Unless?.. - I ordered to give him a draught before, you know...

Merlin didn't move a muscle, and Gwen, confused, stubbornly continued:

\- Agravaine already sentenced him to a pyre, when I learnt about it, so I just...

\- Didn't argue too much over it?

Merlin whispered as though not to her.

Gwen mused, feeling like she already lived through this moment.

\- No, I guess I didn't.

***

\- You can be a servant a pretend you're less than them, but I not gonna...

\- No, that is not what I do!

\- No, you defending the King! Protecting a man that would have you dead!

\- I am protecting _you_!

\- You've been pretending for so long now that you've actually forgotten who you are.

**Author's Note:**

> Wanted to write a cute fic based on my tumblr post:  
> "You know how Arthur always makes Merlin do all these sweet romantic gestures for Gwen for him. Gwen seems fine with it in the show, but it would be funny if one day they both m and g got sick of it, so they just started going on on "dates" themselves. Like, imagine Arthur and Gwen having a date in his chambers and Gwen just turns to Merlin and kisses him on the cheek, saying pass it to Arthur. Or G and M having inside jokes based on the notes Merlin leaves with flowers "from Arthur". The confusion on Arthur's face would be priceless."
> 
> Got this horrible thing.


End file.
